"I would like to be Christ, Mohammed, Buddha... but not have to believe in God..."

Today's Title: Nine

So tonight I was thinking while plucking my eyebrows (of all things) and randomly arrived at something we discussed in my religious studies class. We read an article on Islam and a certain focus they had on the "secret heart". It has to do with the idea that who a person is can be found in the secrets that they do not tell rather than those that they do. It seemed like something obvious to me at first, that this could be easily defended. The more I think about it, though, the more I seem to understand.

So, for reference, this train of thought sprung from driving home from seeing Sherlock Holmes with Sara for the second time and our conversation turning (via convoluted roads, mostly involving New Year's Eve) to the "Never have I ever..." game. This, bouncing off of a very angsty post that aired on my blog for all of ten minutes before I became self conscious and took it down, to bring me to this rant.

Anywho, so I got to thinking about the things I leave unsaid and what they say about me, and I realized that they say a lot. Maybe I was wrong to jump to my emotional conclusions made in my angst blog about how I am out of the loop with all my friends and the things that they do. I thought about all the things that float around in my head that I don't say and I wonder what people think of me. Am I as distant as I fear? Perhaps that's just what I do.

Despite how tragically this post sounds, I'm actually quite content at the moment. I was thinking even before the movie about all the things that make me who I am (of course then I was focusing on the outward things as expressed in my room). It kind of gives me a happy feeling. Even if I am deluding myself by thinking of myself one way and portraying myself in another, I think that's a good thing. I like who I am. Strange, but true.

The funny bit is every time I try to share things that are "secret" about me, I never actually do. Like when everyone was doing that 100 things about me thing on facebook. I had a good 60 up, but I never posted it. Then there was angst blog, but I'm trying to forget that exists.

'Til next time.

"I want to be young, and I want to be Old.
I would like to be wise before my time
And yet be foolish and brash and bold...

And you know I mean it with all of my Heart.
It's the end if something important
Doesn't start."

"Everybody loves a winner, so nobody loved me; 'Lady Peaceful', 'Lady Happy'...that's what I long to be."

Today's Title: Cabaret

You win universe. I've already dealt with the fact that I'm a quitter and a coward...do you have to rub it in?

Win some, lose some, I guess. One evil or another. Lonely or annoyed. Looking at it that way makes my argument seem petty. Definitely the lesser evil.

I'm sorry. I need to do this. In my own way and my own time. It's not them I need. It's the comfort I get from feeling like I fit in the universe. A feeling I got accustomed to. I guess I wasn't ready to face up to the fact that I can't make friends again.

Been there, done that. See you on the other side.

"All the odds are in my favor
Something's bound to begin
It's got to happen, happen sometime
Maybe this time I'll win."

I got a feeling there's a miracle due, gonna come true...

Today's Title: West Side Story

This was an odd and interesting week. Things have changed more than I ever thought possible. It's partway between wonderful and terrible.

Well, I suppose the main terrible parts were me being sick and emotionally fragile on a very stressful day. I cried two times in the last two days. Once when I dropped off my dogs and once about and hour and a half after my parents left. Don't know why then, but I did. It just took time for it to sink in I suppose. The fact that I won't see them again for two months. Granted there are some things I won't miss (like the arguing and the nagging), but in retrospect, these are minor things. It's normal to feel this way though. I mean I did live with them for all of my life.

All things considered, I'm definitely looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Doesn't help of course that as we drove away from the AV I looked at places and things and thought about all the good memories of life. I remembered the Circle and my family and good times. I figure time will help me adjust to a new life; it always does.

Anywho, I miss everyone right now like the Olsen twins miss food (a little fun way of expressing love that I learned from Mikael, expect more fun analogies).

"Gentlemen, welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives."

Well put, Brendan (and, consequently, An Extremely Goofy Movie), even if it meant something different for you.

If you don't mind takin' it like it turns out, it's a fine life!

Today's Title: Oliver! (in all the awesomeness from my childhood that it is)

Not entirely sure why I am posting today. Seems like everyone else has been making all these deep and contemplative posts about the past and future. Kinda feel like jumping on the band wagon. But that's not all it either. I think it partially 'cause I'm bored out of my mind. I also kind of feel like writing...but I don't have any good ideas and I know perfectly well that I'd be too self-conscious to share anyways, so why bother.

I suppose most of the contemplation comes from everyone getting ready for the plunge of starting a new phase of life.

I also feel I should put in a disclaimer here. This is just me being bored and musing, so don't expect anything particularly interesting or deep. Read on only if you want to listen to me think.

Anywho, back to college. I'm looking forward to it mostly 'cause I'm sick of the same old thing. I've always been like that. I have problems with being stuck in ruts. It seems to happen all the time and it always makes me want to do something unusual and unexpected. Unfortunately, most of the things people don't expect me to do are actually things I won't do so there goes that idea. This year hasn't been as bad as others. Last year was the worst for being stuck in ruts. Last year sucked balls. Not that my family has completely pulled its shit together again, but its less dysfunctional than before. Amazing how that works isn't it. Still wouldn't stay here if you paid me. Getting out for the better part of a year is something.

But enough of that. I've complained far too much about that in the past and it doesn't seem to be changing any time soon, so why bother. The thing I've really been thinking about lately is what I'm taking with me. Not just physical items either, but emotional baggage as well. It seems to go hand in hand to a certain extent. The items I take kind of show what parts of my personality I'm willing to put on display. Those that stay behind I don't necessarily have to show to the new people I meet. To a certain extent, college is a chance to start over. Maybe I don't have to be the awkward kid who can't seem to get a date. Not that I'm unhappy with who I am, but really, who doesn't want to dump some of the images they've gathered over a lifetime?

Other thing of late: Disney movies. I remembered just how awesome they are. Might also have led to unrealistic expectations in people. Never thought of it that way, but its true.

Why can't life have more adventure in it? Stupid imagination. Makes me want things I can't have.

I'm just ranting now. Then again, I did warn you.

Maybe I should write. I put together a rough sketch of a couple chapters, but it seemed like crap so I stopped. The problem is I feel bad. Everyone else writes things that mean something. Mine are just stories. Nothing necessarily lingering under the surface. Is that bad? I suppose not. But still.

I'm kind of tired, but I don't want to sleep. Seem to do that a lot.

Could read. Maybe will. Maybe not. S'not like I don't already know the plot by heart. Not much else to do though.

Blogs are such a stupid idea. Why am I even doing this? As if people want to listen to me decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my night.

And on that note I'm going to sign off. I probably wouldn't even post this, but I wasted an hour on it so I might as well.

G'night.

If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned!

Today's Title: Les Mis

Its been a while. I hate that I only seem to blog at times when I'm annoyed.

Why can't I leave now? One moment things are fine and I can stand living at home, then one wrongly timed statement and BAM! it all explodes in my face.

Lesson one of today is that my father does not handle stress well. I swear, a little bit of illness and he becomes 5 years old. Now he's in a cycle of not sleeping and not feeling well that's left him "tense". Welcome to my life dad. Take a walk in the lives around you. I know plenty of people with more reason to be stressed than he is. I'll admit I don't see the full picture, but I can say that I know that I handle stress better than him.

Just because I'm stressed out doesn't make me bite everyone's head off every 10 minutes. Then that backfires on my mom and makes her snappy. Oh, how I love the cycle. And no one will admit that their pissed off at each other even though "fuck" and "shit" are every other word they say.

Its grating on my last nerve.

Frost out.

There's no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going.

Today's Title: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

So, here's a sum up of the last 24-hours:
1) Get home from school, have a peanut butter sandwich, take a nap.
2) Go to grandma's house to take in trash cans/fix computer/hang out
3) Come home, watch Big Bang Theory, take a shower
Sounds fine so far don't it? Just Wait.

I get out of the shower to find my mom in hysterics. I go ask Taylor what happened (assuming the usual kind of fight), problem is no one knows. After about a half hour of trying to get her to calm down unsuccessfully, I call her therapist and Taylor runs for the nurse next door. Therapist doesn't answer (typical), nurse says that she's not calming down and to call 911. Next thing I know I'm trying to keep the dog under control while a bunch of paramedics come in and decide my mom should go to the emergency room. Taylor goes with her in the ambulance.

So then my dad and I gather what we need and follow them. We sit in the hallway for a while, then we stand because giant douche bag security guard says we aren't allowed to sit. Of course at this point I stressed out and really want to kill someone (good thing he was about a foot taller than me or I might have done something stupid). It takes until around midnight for anyone to see us, and by that time my mom is calmer and we decide that instead of waiting for another several hours to get a room it would just be better to go home.

So, that was my night. We got home around 12:30. Tried to go to be at that time. Couldn't sleep. At 6:00am told my alarm clock to go fuck itself and went back to bed.

For now everything's alright, but my mom's going to go see the psychiatrist today.

And here I thought maybe things were getting better and I could stop tiptoeing around my mom like she was a glass statue. So much for that, eh?

More later. I'm still wiped. Maybe later this week will be better.

Happy Birthday to me.

Evil's for me - you can have good!

S'easier by far, from the way that things are,
To remain good 'n' evil
Than try to be evil and good!

Today's Title: Jekyll and Hyde

The main point of this blog is that there is no point to this blog. On the other hand, Taylor sent me a website that generates evil plans for taking over the world. Mine goes thusly:

Congratulations on being the creator of a new

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: To show them all

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first assassinate a pope. This will cause the world to whisper among themselves, confused by your arrival. Who is this nightmare beyond comprehension? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good as a dark gunslinger?

Stage Two

Next, you must sabotoge the internet. This will all be done from a medieval castle, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will die in a way you just don't want to think about, as countless hordes of the undead hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must unleash your plague of doom, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with dear god no, and no man will ever again dare roll his or her eyes. Everyone will bow before your cunning intelligence, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.

Granted I didn't put it on random, when you do that you get some pretty fun stuff.

If you care to try it out go here: http://www.darksites.com/evilplan.php