Today's Title: Once More With Feeling
Back blogging again. Dunno what triggered it. Just sorta happened. Was rereading some other things I have previously written here. Strange combination of misplaced optimism, moments of extreme whiny angst, and pointless musings. Oddly, I like the pointless musings the most. Perhaps because I can still seem to relate. Imagine that, consistent thought.
And so the world goes on. A year passes and I am still unemployed and completely inept with the opposite sex. So it goes. People return from their sojourns to the unknown lands of four-year university. As soon as they do, life goes back to its norm (aka. feeling slightly left out). So it goes.
In discussions with people lately, I've been told I'm not confident enough. This doesn't seem to compute for some reason. I guess it never occurred to me that I wasn't confident or, at least, didn't portray myself as such. I mean, I'm not claiming to be completely comfortable in my skin. No one is at my age so I feel that's quite fair. Yet, apparently people think I lack confidence. I suppose it explains more than it doesn't, namely my issues with people. All the same, I don't really know how to react to that news. How do you fix a problem you don't know you have? I don't know how else to carry/present myself because this is how I have always been. I don't feel as if I lack confidence. Quite to the contrary. I guess it has to do with the fact that a great deal of the things I feel are never said. Seriously, my internal monologue is smarmy as all hell. It all goes back to my musings on whether or not any one of my friends really knows me all that well. I'd like to think they do, but then at the same time I think of all the things I never say. And now anyone who reads this, if in fact there is anyone left who does read this, is thinking "Oh, so are you finally going to say something then?" To which I reply "No, are you kidding? I'm a bloody coward." And then I realize that maybe I do lack confidence in myself. If hanging out more with Sara has taught me anything, it's the fact that I never actually say what I mean. When she has a thought, she expresses. I have the what-if-I-sound-stupid syndrome that Sara obviously lacks. I wish I could say things that easily. There seems to be some sort of detour between my brain and my mouth that reroutes such things so rapidly that I don't even think about it anymore. And therein lies the reason why I type whenever I am contemplative.
It doesn't help that no one really talks to me about much. Is that just me again? I dunno. I like to be in the loop on stuff, yet no one likes to come to me for just the random. Serious or just for kicks. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but there is a considerable amount of data in defense of my claim that I am often forgotten about if it is not a large group activity or in some way instigated by me. Perhaps that's just me being slightly sullen at being, evidently, the only person home alone tonight on the internet. Am I not fun? I guess that's a question that nags on my mind, so I'm throwing it out there. Look at that, I'm growing already. At the moment, I blame it on group dynamics. Let's face it, the Circle is about as much a unified group as the E.U. We share a common title and currency. We think we're better than all those other nonsense nation. Yet, when it comes right down to it there are alliances that underscore the whole. Queue my common analogy of me being Switzerland. No allegiances. (Note: Don't jump on me if my analogy isn't exactly perfect. To be quite honest, I'm not sure how the E.U. works, but I make assumptions in the name of creative license. I'm creating a simile here people, work with me.)
Anywho, now I've really lost my train of thought so I'm going to stop before I get people telling me to shut up and stop being so self-centered. That seems to happen quite a bit when I get on rants of this nature. Sorry folks, I can only see life from one lens and I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Going through the motions,
Losing all my drive.
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just want to be alive."
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